Despite my earlier departure from this forum, I still owe the kindhearted members here who shared the wonderful moments I had, and reached out on FB & IG sharing the pain I’m going through nowadays. I may be writing this for selfish reasons too, as I seek closure. Yet the tears don’t seem to dry up no matter how hard I try to hide them.

I had plenty of pets, plenty of species over the years since my childhood. Each one’s departure was never easy. He who knows what love is, he who’s destined to have his heart broken over and over, again and again. She was a pet, one would say. But a pet is a pet, till we miss them. That moment we realize they are family. And so she was, my Snickers.

I’m a very spontaneous person, yet the purchase of a Bengal took years due to their non-availability in the region. This year, while I was unemployed I brought one home. And despite the financial challenges, I provided her with the best. I even picked an expensive apartment to provide her with her own suite that has a window with a view for her to see the world out there. She has closets full of unused toys yet, for I used to surprise her with new ones over time. She has some sets in two of everything, in case one breaks down or gets lost... she was spoiled, she was my Snickers.

Under judgmental eyesights and stereotypes of a single middle-aged man with a cat, we took drives together, we traveled in cabin by plane together, she was my shadow 24/7 indoors and outdoors... she was my Snickers. The furthest distance she got from me was a meter or so, unless she was eating or in her litter box. At times I pushed her back for my own space, but she just stood there like a dog guarding my space till I give her a sign to jump in back on my lap. I read, watched and was amazed by reported complaints about behavioral issues with Bengals, none applied to my perfect Snickers.

I never spayed / neutered a cat. And Snickers was distant to have a stud travel to her all the way from Germany. But the age difference was triggered by a recent horror story on FB about a female Bengal died from Pyo, got me to cancel the stud purchase losing my down payment and rush Snickers to a vet to have her spayed. I always followed her vaccination schedule religiously and provided her with the best vet in town. I’m known at the clinic of rushing my pets in for minor stuff that doesn’t require medical attention. And twice my pets turn to be alright, and I’m just too concerned and overreacting. The very next day of cancelling the stud order, she was 7 1/2 months old and weighed 3 kg, the surgery was scheduled for my Snickers.

I had nightmares the night before her surgery, i swear I did. I cried as I checked her in, I was over the phone with her vet before and after the surgery, and I was ahead of time waiting in my car to pick her up. I heard her scream in her carrier, struggling to escape as she was brought to me. But once she saw me, she calmed down as I went on kissing / touching her. The staff were amazed, I proudly smiled... she was my Snickers.

I took her home, questioning still my decision, but assured myself that I did the right thing for her to avoid losing her to Pyo, or in a pregnancy go wrong. Few days followed after she started eating and getting back to normal, one day she stopped. She wanted to be left alone, and slept sitting down not lying down. The following morning, instead of waking up on her wet nose poking my face, I woke up on the sound of her vomit on the floor. Took a sample, and rushed her to the vet. Her temperature was 40.5c, her weight dropped to 2.7 kg and the vet said she was dehydrated and has to be hospitalized.

Hours passed slowly till I got a call from her vet saying, he suspects she has a virus and went on questioning if she was vaccinated. I took her certificate and went to the clinic. He recognized the vaccinations are punctual and up-to-date. But blamed my breeder for selling me a cat with FPV. Then blamed me for exposing my cat to an infected cat. I yelled at him, if cats can get FPV from parrots, then yes I have 6 parrots that are registered at your clinic. Otherwise, my cat didn’t encounter another cat since May 2017. And neither the breeder, nor I can be held responsible. The FPV incubation period is a 7 to 10 days which matches the time she got spayed at your clinic. She got infected at the clinic, my poor Snickers.

I reached out to FB asking for advice and medication, I reached for the breeder too. I spent hours every time I visit Snickers. I used to park my car and stay in the car waiting till the clinic opens. I was the first to walk-in, I could her scream and they could see how she calms down once she sees me. I was her only medicine that worked. But her health kept going south, vomiting, bloody diarrhea till I got to feel a skeleton, count her spine bones... she became so weak that she’d only move just to try to reach me, oh my Snickers!

Again I reached out to FB asking for everybody’s prayer, I reached out to the breeder telling her to expect the worse. And that night I slept in tears. The next morning I was an hour early before the clinic opens crying in my car. I rushed in, she had more energy but she looked very different. She continued to attempt to reach me and leave her cell... I went on holding her and kissing her nonstop. I told her vet, she has more energy, she looks worse but she might make it. I told him statistically she has five days to survive then her chances of survival will become high. He looked at me in a very strange way, I didn’t understand it then. But now I do. He must have thought I’m a dreamer, an idiot or in self denial.

I only stayed for an hour that morning. Her eyes color changed to a shade of stainless steel and then she turned her back to me, after I kissed her repeatedly. I thought she wanted to sleep. But kept questioning the color of her eyes in my mind. I drove home, and by the time I got there I got a phone call from her vet crying that she passed away. That was on the morning of Oct 1st, my noisy parrots that day didn’t make a sound... the whole day was dark.

She was loved, she knew that. But SHE TRUSTED ME and I failed her. She had no clue why she went to the clinic in the first place. She didn’t know she got spayed, but she trusted me. She didn’t know why suddenly she’s getting sick, but she trusted me. She didn’t know why I’m not taking her home, but still she trusted me. Now I understand the moment her eyes color turned stainless steel, she saw death... and she turned her back to me.

The house is being gradually sanitized, but what’s the use? The rooms, the furniture, the rugs, the curtains and the toys are moaning her. I look at my parrots and wonder, if they moan her in their screams too. The breeder originally named her Stella Cadente (falling star), but she will always be my Snickers.

Stay blessed among your families and loved ones. Hug and kiss your pets for me.

Losing a loved one is just raw, aching pain. I cannot imagine how hellish it is for you at the moment Hassaan. All my beloved cats lived to a good age and though the endings were not great, I have never lost a young cat. Your posts about Snickers always made me smile and laugh at the joy you found in each other. Love between a human and animal is a simple, pure thing to be cherished. I can't bear the thought of you blaming yourself for losing Snickers - it is absolutely not the case. Blaming yourself serves no purpose and will just put you in a dark place that is hard to get out of. No words can help at this time but know that you and Snickers are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and hugs x

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Melissa

UK
Oscar - Rescue (Rascal!!!) Bengal

I feel your pain. When I lost a cat that was very very special to me, I was inconsolable for a week. And I still tear up when I think of her. We're stuck trusting vets no matter what we do. You did the right thing in getting her spayed. Not because of some condition or disease that you thought she'd get if you didn't, but because it's the right thing to do for her. So try not to beat yourself up over any of that. Just try to get through this, ok? Spend extra time with family and friends if you can. I feel really horrible for you, and you are in my thoughts.

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The little monsters 3

Oh Haassan, what an incredible eulogy to your Snickers. I am so very sorry. I know she was your heart, your soul and your life! I am so heartbroken over what happened to her. There will never be another Snickers. It's natural to feel that there was something that could have prevented this, something you could have changed, and you feel failure in that you didn't. But, one never knows the path our life takes us -- good or bad. Snickers had an amazing few months with your and enjoyed so much more than most of our kitties do. Words aren't coming to me easy right now, but know that I understand the grief and pain -- most of us here have lost pets before their time. And even if it is their time, it's never easy.

Thank you for stopping back by and posting such a beautiful message. I truly miss you on this forum. Sending love and {{{HUGS}}} your way -- and know that Snickers is looking down at your and purring.

So sorry :_( and thank you for coming back to tell us, a lot of us laughed and loved with your stories of Snickers. She had a sweet caring "dad", all the happiness you had with her in this short time is worth it I'm sure. Xx

This is one of the most heart breaking things I have ever read, the tears are running down my face and I can hardly see to write this.

She was the most loved cat I know and it's so incredibly sad how this has happened.

I can understand how you feel as I lost my last boy young only 5, he was my first bengal and I adored him, we went on walks together and car rides, but he fell ill aged 2 with cronic diahorea when tests were done we found he had severe inflammatory bowel disease and he became skeletal.

We had to wait for his biopsy wound to heal which took ages as he ruptured the scar and had a hernia and had to have that repaired, once healed we started on steroids, chemotherapy and probiotics every day and a B12 injection once a month, it seemed to work brilliantly he put on lots of weight and became more like his old self.

Then when he was 5 he was in agony one day, I rushed him to the vet but they weren't sure what it was and gave him antibiotics and pain meds and sent him home but within a few hours he was worse so I rushed him back and they did an MRI scan and found his intestine had ruptured.

We decided to operate and find out what had happened, once done I got the terrible news it was cancer, they removed the part of intestine that was affected and they kept him in for weeks, I would go and visit and take him his food he liked, he was so pleased to see me but it broke my heart to leave.

Eventually they rang me and said I could bring him home, I had everything all ready for him as I had done many times before when he stayed in the hospital but he wasn't himself he just hid in the corner and wouldn't come out he wouldn't eat, I think they sent him home to spend some time with us before the inevitable happened.

Come the next morning he was lying in his bed and he had wet himself in it, I knew by the look on his face it was time, I couldn't face going to the vets so I asked them to come to my house, in the hour waiting for them I said my goodbyes and cried so much.

After the vet took him away to be cremated I was lost and devastated, I got his ashes back about a week later and they take pride of place in my glass cabinet so I can see my lovely Frosty every day and not a day goes by when don't think of him, I have a lovely picture of him on the wall, even though this was over 5 years ago I still miss him.

I hope in time you can find peace and remember all the lovely times you had with your beautiful Snickers, it won't be easy but you must never blame yourself for anything as that wont help you.

You gave her everything and more, she has done more in her short life than most cats will ever do, you loved her and she loved you too and that's what you must remember.

Take care of yourself.

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Clare
Magic (brown spotted boy born 31 March 2012)
Pearl (seal Lynx Point girl born 1 October 2015)
Bristol, UK

I just wanted to say I am also thinking of you. Snickers was family and what has happened is just devastating. Life can be so cruel. But you must not blame yourself, you gave Snickers so much love and did everything possible and more for her. And she knew that you loved her and she loved you. You both had an incredible bond which was so wonderful to hear about so cherish those happy times with her.

I don't know what else to say but sending you hugs and my thoughts are with you xx

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Clare
Hendrix and Jagger, Brown Marble Boys (born 18 August 2013)
Hampshire, UK

Dear Hassaan,
My first post on this forum. I have only been reading until now as I am stil, waiting for my bengal to be old enough to come home. I feel I have to write in answer to your heartbreaking post though. I have read your stories about Snickers and loved the special bond you had. Snickers was one of the reasons I started looking for my own bengal in earnest so I too will never forget her.

Please try not to blame yourself. You did everything you could for her. The operation was necessary and shouldn't have been very taxing to her. Her contracting the virus was a very cruel fate, something you can never blame yourself for.

I wish there was more I could do or say to you. I too am thinking about you and grieving for Snickers. She was special.

I am so sorry for your loss of Snickers.

I am so deeply sorry for your great loss. Although I do not post on here very much anymore, I remember reading all about Snickers. She was so lucky to have been so loved by you.

Dear Hassan,
I think most people on here know what I have been through this year, having lost my darling Merlin in the most traumatic of circumstances in March. I went to the Dark Place, and Merlin sent me Morgana to drag me back, and help me heal.

I shall miss my baby boy with every molecule of my body until the day we are reunited across the Rainbow Bridge. Merlin was to me my Love, my child, the beating of my heart and my soul. He grounded me and made me feel loved and safe. Nothing can take away or ease the pain of my loss, and guilt for feeling I had let my boy down when he most needed me.

My heart broke for you when I read your story of Snickers, and how she left you. You were not responsible, and she would be upset to know you blame yourself. I know it is easier said than done to lose the guilt, as that is part of loving an animal and giving it your heart. For Snickers to leave you in such a manner is all the more tragic, and she would not want you to be sad.

In time, it may be right for you to look again for another Bengal, and do not feel guilty - You are not replacing Snickers, you are giving another furbaby in need of your love a chance to feel cared for and safe. I could not bear coming home to a silent, empty house - The love that made it a home had gone. Morgana has given that back to me. I have had 6 months of counselling up to now, and still miss my darling boy as though it were only yesterday. It will take time, however long you need, don't be ashamed or guilty of your love and your time with darling Snickers.

My heart goes out to you, and my soul bleeds with you.
Jo xx

Jo,

No words could possibly comfort you during this awful time. You and Merlin shared a special love, a special bond that will never be broken. I pray that with continued counselling and Morgana's love, the pain and heartbreak you feel will become bearable. And that in time, you will forgive yourself.

Your beautiful but sad, heartfelt post brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to you, Jo.

I am so sorry to hear about Snickers. Your post made me cry thinking about departed cats from the past and how I would feel if one of my dear cats died. They are my world. I do my best to make every day wonderful for them. They reward me with so much love and companionship. I understand your pain and hope you feel better one day in the not too distant future. xo

Just checked-in on the forum to learn of your most tragic loss.

My condolences.

I have, like most of our forum members, inevitably loved and lost during a life of pet ownership and really feel for you, and also thank you for sharing this with us.

Rob