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 Post subject: dealing with pet loss
PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 12:45 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2015 5:30 am
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If any of you have seen my previous posts, you would know that I lost my dear moggie girl, Lilo, 2.5 months ago due to cancer. She was only 1 and a half years old and meant so much to me. I only had her for a few months when I adopted her from a shelter.

I remember I would run home from work every afternoon, just to see her, and she would run to me, hover around me, meow in her gentle little voice and rub against me. When I had to leave in the morning, she would give me a sad eyed look, and I would always pick her up and give her a kiss and a cuddle. I would tell her every day that I loved her. I would also slow blink at her (means I ‘I love you’ in cat language) and she would blink right back at me.

She knew as soon as it was bedtime and adjusted to my routine so well. As soon as I went into my bedroom and turned off the light, she would just up onto my bed and curl up next to me. She would sleep through the whole night with me, and give me morning love bites and kisses.

I am still devastated. We had her cremated and I have her little urn on my kitchen bench, right next to a photo of her. Every day I hold her urn in my hands and tell her something – most times I end up distraught and in tears.

You would think that having two energy-filled Bengal babies would make this situation easier. I wish. I don’t know why, but I am resenting them. Everything that they do that Lilo did, or that they don’t do… I get mad at. I used to open a cupboard and Lilo would jump right inside. I would let her. She wouldn’t touch anything or chew anything, she would just look and sit there. I thought it was adorable. When Zuki and Athena try to do it, they get into everything and eat and chew and steal things. I never let them into any cupboards.

I guess it is normal to feel resentment. I feel lost. I feel guilty. I just want Lilo back. I have even been researching animal communicators and thinking about paying $400 for one to ‘connect’ with Lilo and speak to her for me.

I only have photos of Lilo plastered all over my work desk. None of Zuki and Athena. I can’t take those photos down. I am tearing up just writing this now.. glancing at those photos, at her precious little face.

I sound insane, right? I have two beyond-gorgeous kittens yet I am not happy.

Lilo was my first cat. I had waited years to finally move out and find the right time to get my first kitty. I thought we would have years together, not months. Grow old together. I chose her at the shelter. I looked into her eyes and I knew I wanted to bring her home.

I am so heartbroken.

I am even reading up on pet reincarnation and wondering if she will come back to me in another form.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 7:53 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:20 am
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I am sorry for your loss. I am not sure what to say because I personally don't think somebody talking to the dead is a good idea. How do we know if they really contact them? And 400 is quite abit of money. The way I read your post I am sure that Lilo knows how much you love her! Cupboards and Bengal cats aren't a good mix. My two aren't allowed going into cupboards because they just get into everything!
I don't know if this sounds crazy or so,but I know you can get a diamond pressed out of the ashes. It costs abit. But if it would comfort you wearing it as a necklace that's always by you,maybe that's an idea.
Hope you can grieve in your time and again I am sorry for your loss.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 10:11 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:26 pm
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I know how you feel, it's a physical ache inside and little things and sounds just bring it all back. It never goes away but it does get gradually easier. I would be very careful with the pet communicator idea. Anyone who charges 400 dollars would get my suspicions raised. Like Genevieve said, you can get diamonds made out of the ashes. I think that is a lovely idea and you could have your beloved girl close to your heart always.

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Melissa

UK
Oscar - Rescue (Rascal!!!) Bengal


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 11:23 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:22 pm
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I know what you mean.

I lost Dexter and more recently Muskey and I miss them both. I lost my other Burmese a couple of Christmas' ago and still get upset over him. There were other special moggies I've had going back 20 years ago and I still miss them too. You never forget them.

With a recent loss though it is harder particularly if you had a special bond like you did. I often watch my kittens playing and it's a joy but at the same time think about Muskey and wish he was still here instead of them. It's a strange feeling.

Like me, maybe you were/are not quite over the loss and I think it's perfectly normal to feel resentful of the new additions almost stepping into your precious cats shoes.

Personally don't believe in all that mumbo jumbo stuff. It may be a comfort to some people and so worth the money but to me it's nonsense.

Dealing with the loss of a pet is part of life and we just have to deal with it and try and remember the good times and accept the fact that we will also be very upset when we are parted from them.

Loads of (((hugs)))) to you.

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Oscar and Jasper (or one ear and two ears as dh calls them) black rescue mogges

RIP my sweet baby Dexter, Snow Bengal 19/5/14 to 5/3/15 and my lovely dear old friend Muskey, Brown Burmese put to rest aged 15 on 14/11/15.

Debbie


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 5:06 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat
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lalune93 wrote:
You would think that having two energy-filled Bengal babies would make this situation easier. I wish. I don’t know why, but I am resenting them. Everything that they do that Lilo did, or that they don’t do… I get mad at. I used to open a cupboard and Lilo would jump right inside. I would let her. She wouldn’t touch anything or chew anything, she would just look and sit there. I thought it was adorable. When Zuki and Athena try to do it, they get into everything and eat and chew and steal things. I never let them into any cupboards.

I guess it is normal to feel resentment. I feel lost. I feel guilty. I just want Lilo back.


I've been there. I was really really devestated when a cat I had had for over 17 years passed away. And it is ok to be sad and it does take time. You might consider getting some help with this. There's no shame in that. It was helpful for me to attend an event where people who recently lost pets get together and have a "service" at a church.

That said, you do have to put on a brave face with your other cats and not take it out on them. It being "normal" (or not) isn't really a valid excuse, any more than it would be for your parents to resent you due to something else going on in their lives. You have to compartmentalize that and treat them right, regardless of what you are going through. They can also help you get through this if you let them. Otherwise you need to make other arrangements for them. You have an important obligation there.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 5:47 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Thu May 23, 2013 2:21 pm
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I've only ever had one kitty at a time and I've lost every one of them at some point. The grief is horrible! What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Lilo was your first kitty and there was a bond between you like no other bond. Losing a friend like that is difficult! Does time make it better? Yes it does! I still mourn the kitty we had put to sleep after 17 years in 2000. Her ashes sit on our dresser and I think about her every time I pass and look at the box. She spent 14 years with us, moved with us, was a great kitty. It took a while to get over losing her. Your resentment toward your other kitties should wane over time. I'm sure there are forum groups online that deal with grieving for lost pets. You may want to find one and join and communicate with people who are going through what you're going through. Do I believe in mediums? I think a lot of it is hogwash! I seem to find "signs" from family members on my own -- every now and then. You may one day spot a cat identical to Lilo and that's a sign. Please don't spend your money. If you find a medium who says all the right things, you could end up giving her a lot more money -- and if you know how mediums work ... you'd realize they talk very common things and watch your reaction until they hit on something and then they have you, hook, line and sinker.

I also think we grieve differently at different ages and you are extremely young and loss may not be common to you. When you've lost grandparents, parents, siblings and you seem to deal with it every few years -- not that it becomes any easier -- but I think you understand it better.

Know that we are here for you and you can vent, rant, rave, whatever you want to do and we'll try to help you through this. Lilo is watching over you. I really hope she sends you peace. You will see her again some day. In the mean time, you have to share your heart and love with Zuki and Athena. They are probably grieving in their own way and you need each other right now. It's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt!


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 5:55 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat
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Asking for help isn't a bad idea.

About a year ago, my terminally ill cat was slowly dying and I couldn't bring myself to let her go. She was suffering every day because I wanted her here with me. A lot of personal issues compounded my reluctance to let her go. I finally called my therapist and we had a session in my home to discuss what was going on with my cat Madelyn sitting on my lap. My decision became crystal clear and 4 days later I called Lap Of Love and let my long time companion go in the comfort of my home, on my lap. My only regret was waiting so long. I still tear up when I think about that decision and her in general. That feeling may stay with me a while, but I know in my heart I made a humane decision.

My new kittens gave me purpose and happiness a month later. They are so full of life and make me so happy. Please give your other kitties a chance to do the same for you. Try to live in the present and look back less often. They can sense how you feel about them.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2015 1:51 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2015 5:30 am
Posts: 147
Thank you for your responses, everyone. It’s a difficult situation and I know my cats can sense my negativity and are staying away. I had developed such a special bond with Zuki (one we never had while Lilo was still alive) after Lilo’s passing. He followed me everywhere, rubbed his nose against mine, loved being in my arms, would sit wherever I sat, bump his head against mine, purr whenever I was near, etc. It made me very happy and made me feel sooo much better about myself. I had lost Lilo, but I found a best friend in Zuki. However, as soon as Athena arrived, Zuki was no longer interested in me. Never does any of those sweet things anymore, doesn’t want to play with me or show me affection – he only wants to be with Athena. I guess that’s what happens when you bring in a second cat. I did have Zuki’s interests at heart, the friend was for him, but I didn’t realise I would lose our bond.

I guess, now that I don’t share a bond with any of my cats because Lilo is gone and Zuki and Athena prefer each other, it has made me miss Lilo terribly again. Even when Zuki and Lilo were together, Lilo still sat with me, ran to me, slept with me and spent time with me.

I know this is no one’s fault but my own for getting a second cat as this is to be expected, but it’s just the reason I feel so sad again. I’m no one’s best friend.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2015 6:59 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat

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Oh, sweetie, you're really having a rough time with this. You're feeling as if you have no pets right now because Zuki and Athena are best friends and you're feeling left out. All I can tell you is to join in with their fun! Become a part of their lives and their cuddling! If you don't ... your hurt may never go away! You can all live happily together. People get a second cat to have a companion for another cat -- but you want to have a companion for YOU! I don't know that a third cat would solve the issue. But, I think if you put yourself more into Zuki and Athena's midsts and you all become a threesome of friends -- you'll feel a whole lot better.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 8:36 pm 
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Senior Bengal

Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:59 am
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Location: Texas
Lalune, you don't need an animal communicator. YOU can talk to Lilo yourself.
It will help keep Lilo's memory alive.
You loved Lilo. You are supposed to feel this way. You are grieving.
You should be sad. You should be angry. You should be begging to have Lilo back. All normal.
My suggestion is talk it out until you can't talk anymore.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:54 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat

Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:20 am
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Hi Lalune i was wondering how you are doing now?

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 6:54 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat
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Whitey was the first cat I ever had. I was just 5 years old- My dad asked what I wanted for Christmas over and over again, and regardless of the fact that he was allergic, I told him all I wanted was a white little kitty cat. I opened up a box on Christmas morning and out he came.

He was my best friend my entire life, and I can understand that deep connection you have with your lilo. I think there's something very special about your first cat that no one and nothing will ever replace. I finally lost him to bladder cancer/kidney failure this past summer. I held onto him until he took his very last breath, and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

It's like loosing your first love, you really don't know how to cope. I went through sort of the same things you are going through. wondering if maybe somehow he'd come back to me, wondering if reincarnation could happen. I would dream about him.. Like memories when I was younger and we use to play out in the back yard together. I was feeling distant from the cats I have now. And I do think it's a normal part of grieving. Sometimes small little things happen... Basil gets into our closet and manages to find a toy that I gave to whitey when he was still alive, and at first I'd just cry. But as time has gone on, little things like that make me smile because sometimes I think to myself: maybe that's just whitey finding a way to say "hello, I'm okay and I love you."

We don't expect it, but animals leave larger foot prints on our hearts than we ever could imagine. I know what you're going through and it's not easy. But you have current kitties that love you just as much. They can never replace your Lilo, but they can never be replaced either. Iand they deserve your love just has much as Lilo did. I found this quote that really touched me, and I think maybe it can help you:

"You think I'll be upset if you live to love again? Why, I came here to teach you what love is! What good is learning something if you never use it? I'm asking you to love again."

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"At the end of the day, you can focus on what's tearing you apart,... or what's keeping you together."


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 2:48 am 
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Asian Leopard Cat
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slbencke wrote:
"You think I'll be upset if you live to love again? Why, I came here to teach you what love is! What good is learning something if you never use it? I'm asking you to love again."


Great quote. This is something that I've thought about quite a bit in recent years actually, but with a slightly different spin. Jackson Galaxy referred to his first cat, Benny, again and again as his mentor, in his book "Cat Daddy". I think in the simplest terms, he meant in teaching him about diagnosing and working through different behavioral challenges with cats, and really jump-starting his career. But I think in a greater sense, it probably included many more unrelated life lessons too.

My first cat, that is the first cat that I was solely responsible for after moving out of my parent's home, certainly did that for me as well. Looking back I really was a pretty rotten cat owner. But she patiently worked through that with me, having so much patience and forgiveness and tolerance, and teaching me many many things. And it really is an honor to be able to take those things and apply them to subsequent pets that you bring into your life.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:49 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat

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I'm sure Raiden is the last kitty for us. He has several more years left in him (hopefully), but the hubby and I are running out of years.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:01 pm 
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Asian Leopard Cat

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It is one of the hardest things in the world to say goodbye to a beloved furry friend.
I had to do this 5 years ago with my first ever bengal, I lost him to cancer at the age of 5, we went through so much together when he was diagnosed with IBD which eventually turned to cancer, he had chemo and operations in the end I had to make the choice.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and although I have 2 beautiful cats now I still miss him every day, I have his little urn and photo in my glass cabinet where I can see him every day.
Whenever I read about someone losing there babies it makes me cry, even writing this I have tears on my cheeks.
It does get easier as time goes by and I find I think more about the good times we had.

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Magic (brown spotted boy born 31 March 2012)
Pearl (seal Lynx Point girl born 1 October 2015)
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