If any of you have seen my previous posts, you would know that I lost my dear moggie girl, Lilo, 2.5 months ago due to cancer. She was only 1 and a half years old and meant so much to me. I only had her for a few months when I adopted her from a shelter.
I remember I would run home from work every afternoon, just to see her, and she would run to me, hover around me, meow in her gentle little voice and rub against me. When I had to leave in the morning, she would give me a sad eyed look, and I would always pick her up and give her a kiss and a cuddle. I would tell her every day that I loved her. I would also slow blink at her (means I ‘I love you’ in cat language) and she would blink right back at me.
She knew as soon as it was bedtime and adjusted to my routine so well. As soon as I went into my bedroom and turned off the light, she would just up onto my bed and curl up next to me. She would sleep through the whole night with me, and give me morning love bites and kisses.
I am still devastated. We had her cremated and I have her little urn on my kitchen bench, right next to a photo of her. Every day I hold her urn in my hands and tell her something – most times I end up distraught and in tears.
You would think that having two energy-filled Bengal babies would make this situation easier. I wish. I don’t know why, but I am resenting them. Everything that they do that Lilo did, or that they don’t do… I get mad at. I used to open a cupboard and Lilo would jump right inside. I would let her. She wouldn’t touch anything or chew anything, she would just look and sit there. I thought it was adorable. When Zuki and Athena try to do it, they get into everything and eat and chew and steal things. I never let them into any cupboards.
I guess it is normal to feel resentment. I feel lost. I feel guilty. I just want Lilo back. I have even been researching animal communicators and thinking about paying $400 for one to ‘connect’ with Lilo and speak to her for me.
I only have photos of Lilo plastered all over my work desk. None of Zuki and Athena. I can’t take those photos down. I am tearing up just writing this now.. glancing at those photos, at her precious little face.
I sound insane, right? I have two beyond-gorgeous kittens yet I am not happy.
Lilo was my first cat. I had waited years to finally move out and find the right time to get my first kitty. I thought we would have years together, not months. Grow old together. I chose her at the shelter. I looked into her eyes and I knew I wanted to bring her home.
I am so heartbroken.
I am even reading up on pet reincarnation and wondering if she will come back to me in another form.
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