I’ve grown up with cats my whole life but they’ve all been “regular” housecats. My boyfriend has never had a cat, so when we moved in together, it took a lot of convincing to get a cat. He FINALLY agreed and after months of research, he decided on he wanted a bengal.
Enter Thanos.
We live in a suburb of NYC and like most in the area, reside in an apartment building, which means our neighbors are literally a wall away.
We knew going into this that bengals are far from ordinary housecats. But I have to tell you, I don’t think the YouTube videos, the articles and the forums prepare you entorely I’d youve never owned a bengal before.
We both work during the day. Him 7am - 3pm and me 9am - 5pm so when we get home our routine is to shower, have dinner and spend time with Thanos. We probably play with him for AT LEAST 3 hours before bed. And I mean PLAY. We chase each other from room to room, we play with all kinds of toys and play hide and seek. I play with him more than my boyfriend if I’m honest. He’s not affectionate at all.
Like I said, this is my first cat that wasn’t a rescue so having a cat that’s not at all affectionate is perplexing to me. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have gone to the breeder we went to because while she was far from bad to her cats, she didn’t socialize them. They were strictly a business.
It’s been over a year since we brought him home and he’s made progress in the affection department but it’s limited to “loafing” on the foot of the bed, a headbutt once a week and some rolling meows and ourrs when we get home. Will this ever change?
Also, why does he ONLY demand things from me? Like I said, we live in an apartment building and as you know, bengals are vocal. So at all hours of the night, Thanos will wake up and come to my side of the bed (or stand on the headboard over my face) and meow until I get out of bed. This happens twice a night, EVERY night. I sleep from 8pm (yes, I’ve had to start going to bed early just to get a decent amount of sleep because of Thanos) to 11pm (on average) and then I go back to bed around 2am and sleep until 5am. Of course there are days that are vastly different but this is pretty average. If I don’t get out of bed and I ignore him, he gets louder and more demanding. I have to wake up at all hours of the night to appease a cat and I have no idea why.
The weirdest thing is he NEVER does this to my boyfriend. Even if he gets out of bed to let me get a nap, Thanos comes to the bed or the bedroom door and meows at me. Why? Does he hate me? Does he love me?

To answer your questions:

Re: affection, it's all about his relationship with you, so it's very likely to get more affectionate, over time, so long as your relationship with him grows.

Re: Why he only pesters you for food. It's pretty simple, he's identified as the one he trusts, plus you and he has established a routine, and once a routine is established with a cat, it's difficult to break that. Love/Hate? Love of course. That's him saying "that's my mom".

Some suggestions:

1. If you want to fix the sleeping/getting awoken problem, you have to suck it up and ignore him when he does that. He'll stop doing it the moment he thinks that there is no chance that he'll get what he wants by doing that.

2. Don't judge a bengal by the moggie "affectionate" scale. The scale that says that if he walks over and buries himself in your lap and purrs means he loves you, and if he just wants to play and be around you all the time means he doesn't. That said... one thing that I learned from my crazy turbo-kitty Serafina was that pretty short, high value, high energy play that would totally satisfy her, and totally wear her out would often also have the side affect of making her more receptive to affection, which eventually led to her also initiating or actively seeking out said affection. So in other words, 10min of her leaping high in the air, and sprinting as fast as she could go to catch a bird toy, or running up and down stairs trying to catch a mouse toy, or climbing up and down cat trees and shelves trying to catch a bug toy, wipes her out. And then as she's laying on her side, happy as a clam for having caught the toy, I could come up and rub her nose and her ears, and get some purrs out of her.

3. If you want your bengal to bond more with your boyfriend, have him do more of the "positive" things, like feeding and playing with him, and less of the negative things like trimming claws or wranging him into car-carriers etc.

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The little monsters 3

Welcome to our forum. Like you, I grew up with cats but a bengal is not an ordinary cat. While many can be very affectionate, most are not. I do not have an affectionate bengal. I get head butts but my husband gets the kitty kisses and Raiden loves to lay on his lap every now and then for a great massage.

When I read bengals are vocal, I figured they loved to carry on a conversation with you. I had no idea they loved to yowl. Mine gets me up during the night as well. It is easy to say, "ignore then for 2 weeks and the behavior will change." But, you don't know bengals. Mine will jump up on everything, knock things off my nightstand, including my phone. He yowls and yowls. Ignoring him is NOT an option because I will end up awake all night and the hubby isn't happy when he gets woken up. Even if I feed Raiden, he will go in and out of his enclosure, walk on his cat wheel, come in and jump up on everything and yowl. If I close the bedroom door, he stands on his hind legs and tries to open it, making even more noise. I'm just committed to getting not a lot of sleep at night.

You have the problem of sharing walls with neighbors. And a bengal is definitely not the type of cat to have in that instance. You have no idea if he is quiet while you are at work. Mine will just walk through the house yowling for no apparent reason. My hubby says he likes to hear the sound of his voice.

I also have a DSH who is no trouble whatsoever. He sleeps for hours on end. Rarely cries. Raiden takes power naps and then runs crazy until he gets tired for another power nap.

Most cats bond with one human over another. My husband loves both cats and spends time petting them, talking to them. But, I am the one who feeds them, cleans the litter box, takes them for two walks a day, gets up in the middle of the night to deal with the bengal. Yet, he gets all the kitty kisses, too. Getting your boyfriend to take more of an active role with the cat may not help. It doesn't seem to be a "man" thing for the most part. My husband will open a can of food every now and then and feed the cats (usually because I'm not home) but that is just so rare.

It is really important for breeders to socialize their bengal kittens. But, most bengals are not known for being overly affectionate or lap cats. Many do not enjoy being held for any length of time. That is just the breed. The one thing I have learned is that you simply accept the bengal's behavior. You won't change them, so don't even try.